Few months ago I read a feminist “confession" piece, which essentially is about female autonomy, to live in the moment and to be in control of one’s own free will, whether to get some sexual pleasure out of an otherwise sober massage or not. To exploit the opportunity or to be exploited.
Even if this kind of spur of the moment encounters have become increasingly common amongst women, this particular story stroke a different chore with me, a somewhat forgotten one:
I had been given a full-body massage as a birthday present, which I was very delighted to receive. As it is always nice to be pampered. I arrive to the spa and was greeted by a male Buddhistic holistic masseur, who explained me that he would do me a chakra healing massage. I was asked to take all clothes off and lie down on the mattress.
First I was given a straight up back and leg massage, before asked to turn around. The masseur started to work on chakra one; massing of the legs and feet. He then worked his way up, until he couldn’t get any further. He told that I had tensions in my second chakra region, while he continued to massage my upper inner thighs area with one hand, and had the other han resting on my pelvis. I wasn’t really sure of what he meant, but since it felt okay, I went along with it. I didn’t object. I did enjoy it, although it did feel somewhat wrong in doing so, guilt or shame, which I suppose is half of the thrill?
After a while he moves up towards my head, and begin to massage my face. I sensed that he is standing behind, me as I had my eyes closed. I was in the belief that he would finish with a head and neck massage. As expected he begins to massage my cheeks, but then he also starts to massage my lips, which I thought was very odd, but again I didn't object. He then turns my head to the side and shuffles his erect penis into my mouth, holds it there, until he finished his business.
I was totally disgusted by him and his actions, and equally shell-shocked. Paralysed. I didn't know what to say or do, other than putting my clothes on as if nothing that happened. I even paid for the bloody incident.
Why didn't I react? Why didn’t I scream at him? I have no idea. Was I to blame? Had I encouraged him to finish off in my mouth. No, absolutely not. He violated me, but my reaction was like as a text book. Most victims of sexual abuse react with severe shame and silence. They blame themselves. I blamed myself.
So not all movies have a happy ending…